first of all, if you recognize this you should. i plan on deleting crushedandmelted, so i wanted to save my blogs first. so here they are.
today, tomorrow, and forever...
Friday, June 09, 2006
well.. yesterday i didnt get to watch white castle with josh... but i did today. and we happened to kiss a lil... then after i got home and he got home, he called me. and we talked for a while. kedo ne, tomorrows gonna be even better. we're goin to a carnival and goin shoppin. the only bad thing is, my grandma, my aunt, and my aunts 3 lil kids are also goin. and when we get to the carnival, my mom, her husband(who wants to kill me), and my two lil minions will be there. well... i call them my minions but theyre my brothers. i dont really care though, cuz i love being with josh. when im with him im happy. the this is happiness kind of happy. the kind that feels like it will last forever and you want it to never stop. sou... eien... zutto... zutto... zutto kare no sobani ite hoshii. daisuki dakara. without him, even anime that once made me feel so alive and happy begins to lose all meaning. i shouldve known a long time ago that loneliness was keeping me from being emotionally alive but... well i kind of did know... i just never had anyone that could take that loneliness away so that i could really understand it. ive changed since we started going out... im happy, i have a social life, im confident, im not afraid of being myself in front of anyone. sore dakara... shiawase datto. old dreams of college, seeing the world, basically going anywhere in life, they had all been more like a joke than a goal... and then we started going out. and now i really do intend to do all that, and i even started looking into it for reals too. such motivation that i never really had before... he gave it to me. he boosted my self esteem too... not intentionally but he still did it. and anyhoo, just so yall know, i wouldnt leave my boyfriend for anything, so dont even try breakin us up or askin me out. jaane.
a day ill never forget....
Saturday, June 10, 2006
what a day. woke up at 6, showered, got ready to go. then went to my aunts house next door, helped her get her three lil kids ready. we finally left around 830, half an hour later than planned. went and picked josh up(in case you still havent caught on, josh is my bf). stuck in the backseat between him and my annoying cousin. tight fit too. anyhoo ignored annoying person most of the time. got to the provo mall. me and josh get dropped off. walk around, randomly go into stores with anything that seems somewhat interesting, sit on couches when tired. got couple of big pretzels... enjoyed the view... saw lil kid with mohawk... oh yeah we went into a bookstore and i got a japanese dictionary (finally-after bout 2 years of searchin... doesnt include "bad" words though... ya kinda have to use your imagination there...lol). anyhoo after while we had to go, so the other people came and picked us up, took us to lunch... josh got mad at me saying i wasnt eating enough(i guess ya could say that came back to haunt him later today ^^ for certain reasons...) and the baby was crying so they had us take him outtside. so we did... and realized how it might look to other people... you know like young couple and their baby(fyi: that was not the case, and it will not be for a very long time, cuz i wont allow it. i will die before becoming a teenage mom.) anyhoo we werent out there long before my aunt came out. then we went on... to the carnival. i dont know whether i can say it was fun or it was .. sad. first we went to the food thing my mom and her husband runs(fyi: i dont live with them nor do i want to. and while the guy is technically my step dad i wouldnt call him dad if ya paid me a milllion bucks. i call him either jim or the crack of doom lol) well we pritty much ignored them anyhoo... i just came over to say hi to my lil minions and introduce them to josh(although we'd probly be married by the time either of my bros are old enough to remember- i think dallas is 18 months old, jake isnt even six months yet.) so then my mom told us where to get tickets-and we got them. the first ride we went on went around in a circle. i thought it was totally awesome but josh didnt like it as much(for certain reasons-youll see) and then after that we had to get more tickets. so we did then i somehow got him to go on this other ride with me.. it didnt take you upside down but it did put you at bout 80 angle and spin ya around. well... i was kinda bored by it, but josh... lets just say "motion sickness". we had to take a lil break after that. (fyi: it wasnt to be mean or anything, but i was laughing the whole time. i couldnt help it.)then after a lil while... well.. there was this ride... called the zipper... freaky lookin... i wanted to go... and he knew it.. he also knew it would be worse this time... and he went with me anyway... well for the first part of the ride.. i was somewhere between bored and insane. in other words it wasnt as thrilling as i expected, but i was (insanely) laughing my *** off anyway. and then... we stopped. lol got off, josh stripped his now soaked shirt off, went to the food stand to clean up a lil. and... i was laughin the whole time... i dont really know why... i wasnt makin fun of him... who knows... anyhoo... got cleaned up a lil.. went out to the van where they were waitin for us.. he had to ride in the front this time. then we went to walmart...wait. flashback... ok nevermind thats for me to know and only josh to find out.. anyhoo... me and josh sat on the grass in the shade waitin for everyone else.. we talked, i told him how vulnerable he was, used that to find out hes actually ticklish(his sides, his ears, lots of places-and no i dont mean hentai places!) lol he made me laugh.. hmm... new nickname im gonna give him: guy-too-sexy-for-his-shirt(for certain reasons). we kinda slept on the way back... and we finally got back.. sniff had to say goodbye... i told him to go sleep some more...i got home, took medicine for my headache, and started writin this blog. anyhoo.... thats what happened. and no, im not one of those stupid shallow girls that would break of with him cuz something like that happened... or one of the pathetic ones that stick with him cuz they feel sorry for them. thats just... wrong... somehow... i couldnt do that... not even to a friend... not to anyone that i cared about even a lil bit... yeah takin him on the last ride was mean.. i know... i was thinkin more bout myself than him... not on purpose of corse.. i regret it... and im sorry... but still... at least i both realize and admit my mistake... and feel bad about it... and afterwards... on the way home... i thought much more about him than myself... i love him so much... i feel different this time though... but that im writin in my locked journal... cuz its personal... and special... dakara...
sunday randomness
Sunday, June 11, 2006
i hate sundays... so slow.. nothin to do... sigh. well... ok so theres stuff to do... im just to lazy to get off my butt and do it... although theres other reasons i dont wanna get up... im hungry... i want to feed on peoples souls... og im in so much pain right now... D4 P41|\|!!!! sigh... ahhh... talking to josh... its like a megapain killer... yokatta.. heheheh june 1 or 2 2011!!! that will be the best day of my life... although, the year is subject to change. in a garden... heheheh everyone will know what i mean someday... gaou!!! im hungry!! somebody feed meeeeeeeeee!!! oh yeah forgot bout the dont feed the weirdo sign i need to get rid of it somehow. hmm... this afternoon should i play diablo 2 lord of destruction or should i watch anime... wow tough decision... i mean... i like anime.. no correction LOVE anime.. but i need to get really good on diablo 2 so i can ownz peoples... like my bf. btw i also need to work on soul calibur 2, red alert 2, and age of empires so i can ownz there too.aa mo now josh is sad crap the light is dying i cant see myself!! would say soul is breakin but already broken and heart has been shattered for as long as i remember... it wont go back together even with josh... the biggest pieces that managed to survive just get a lil bigger.. but then they are more vulnerable...ah wonderful food!!! well.... .... at least it was food...lol i think ill just talk to josh all afternoon
hitori bochi wa sabishii desu...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
i dont really know why... but ive been feeling so lonely... ok so i lied... i do know why... i wish i didnt... i wish i wasnt in pain... i can hide it whenever i want to... but its still there... and it wont go away... i smile and hide it from everyone... even myself... but its still there... even though i should be happy... im in pain... i want to cry and cant... it hurts... when im alone... people werent meant to be so alone... tasukete... dareka...
doin a lil better....
Thursday, June 15, 2006
ahh... i finally got to talk to josh. i feel so much better now. although, i am a lil pissed that he got me to tell him somethin i didnt want to tell him. im so confused about stuff right now. well.. probly partly cuz im a lil sick right now... head spinnin a lil.. but still... i dont know what i want to do with my life... well i kinda do.. more like to much i want to do and several of them conflict with the others. like... i kinda want to just live a nice, normal life... maybe raise kids... on a farm or somethin. the conflict is, i have another ambition: rule the world. and that comes into major conflict with my other dream. i think in the end it will depend on my circumstances when i really have to make a choice between the two. the way its lookin now... the world will never know who i am.. and ill be okay with that. cuz i have someone who loves me anyway. so... i feel like everything will always be okay, somehow.
i should be happy but im sad....
Saturday, June 17, 2006
sigh... tomorrow my cousin, alex, is coming. so i should be happy, but... tomorrow josh is leaving. and i wont even get to say goodbye because i have to leave to get alex in the morning, and we wont be back until late at night. 3 days at least without josh... it will be the longest 3 days of my life, although not quite so long as it would have been without alex. sore demo... i.. im already missing him... if i could i go to him sugu ni and tell him how much i love him. how i cant believe i actually feel this way... and at the end, zutto hoshii itte. anata ha watashi no sekai. ma... true, he already knows all this. but i want to tell him again... and again... so he never forgets it. kare ha atashi no subete. i hope he knows that too. which i dont think he does... not really. i spose ill try to just have fun with alex while hes gone... but it really isnt the same. it.... isnt.
i cried myself to sleep last night...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
i dont know why, but ever since josh went to california and came back we've been ... fighting ... alot. over the stupidest things... my cousins are here and i should be happy and spend more time with them since i dont see them very often but i dont feel happy. i feel more like just staying in bed all day, under my blanket, hiding from the world. but i dont want to make my cousins feel bad either, so every morning i force myself to roll out of bed and put on a smile. and so, for the past few days ive been hiding my pain, from everyone including myself. until last night. last night i cried. i really did. i even wanted to. i didnt want my family to know though. so i buried my face in my pillow and cried myself to sleep.
watashi wa watashi...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
watashi wa watashi - i am me. i dont know why, but i feel like my old self again. except in one way. i used to be... so sad, so lonely. now i feel exceptionally calm, and happy. i dont feel so lost anymore.. its strange.. what anime does to me... for me.. anime isnt just eye candy... its special.. i wouldnt be here if it wasnt in my life... id still be that terrible lil kid... ive changed alot really... and im still changing. i want to keep chasing this dream.. as long as its in front of me... and i want to keep it in my sight forever..
so... many... people... *screams, choking, silence...*
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
well because most of my family has been staying at my house i havent really been able to get on the internet lately. in addition, my email isnt working the computer freezes up when i try to send stuff. anyhoo... im really tired. i havent been gettin much sleep lately, mostly because of my cousins who are even more obsessed with computers than i am (every morning i wake up to them playing diablo 2 or something in my room, usually thats what wakes me up in the first place.) well fourth of july at our house was really something this year. it started at about 1 in the morning when our winrower was in flames (still dont really know why). i spose its really a bad thing but its was so cool!!! the flames were huge, my gramma was freakin out for once, the fire department came, and my cousins slept through the whole thing-bwahahaha!!! it was awesome!! anyhoo, aside from that, the morning was pretty boring. then in the afternoon my bf came over (first time seeing him since he went to california!) and he got me pocky and a chobits poster. then we went to watch the big fireworks and it was just us cuz my family was watchin from my uncles house instead of the park. afterwards we had to take his mom home (i love his mom!) and that was lots of fun. then he brought me home and joined us in the tank wars. my two uncles went out with us to "supervise" but they ended up being worse than us-throwing lit fireworks around, jumping through the fountains... my aunt said they were worse than us.. lol it was fun though. it ended somewhere around 1 or 2 in the morning... and then josh had to go home *sniff*. it was awesome though, kyle, alex, and me are now 3rd year veterans.
i love you... so why am i confused?
Monday, July 10, 2006
(Warning: intense insanity ahead) arrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im .... surrounded.... by guys.... night and day... all the time... its driving me insane.... i want something feminine!!!!! waaaaaaahhh first i get my cousins 24/7 for two weeks... and now my bf... i love him but... makes me feel hurt and confused sometimes...especially confused.... then i react and make myself confused.... aaa mou!!! i want to spend just one day with one of my female friends without ANY guys in it.... aaahhhhh.... I SO HATE SUMMER VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel cut off from my friends... from the world... from my sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grabs chair, throws at window, glass cracks* (phrases here cannot be said in public)*continues hitting window with chair, glass shatters, chair flies through the window* stupid chair anyway... *glares* (FYI no i didnt put a chair through the window but i sure feel like it. i cant garauntee i wont soon.) .....(i am adding this bout an hour later cuz i forgot it) i may be confused and losing my mind but i forgive you josh.... just so you know...
why is this happening??
Monday, July 10, 2006
og... why is this happening... it feels like hes going to leave me at any second... it hurts so bad i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. sure theres times he makes me sad but hes the only one who makes me feel happy. its like... sending me up to cloud nine just to shoot me down. with crossbow bolts and sharp pointy rocks below. sometimes i wonder if it would be better if we ended it, but then i think about how happy hes made me, and then the thought of not having that happiness anymore-its unbearable. im so stupid... i subconsciously believe that everything will turn out alright, but if i think about it logically its almost always the opposite. right now im sad, hurt, and confused. my heart is bleeding (figure of speech, not literally, though it sure feels like it) tears are flowing.if i get any sleep tonight itll be cuz i cried myself to sleep or passed out. aside from my bf i even confuse myself. i mean... if im alone, not talking to anybody in any way, i am the me i know very well. but... lately, when im with people, im not me. its like im someone else... a someone i dont like very much. last night i realized that.. im normally... a good person... but... lately... for quite a while actually.... i havent been... its like im going back... to how i was... before... and i would rather die than be like that again. something needs to change... and ive been through this before so i know where to start.... its just not as easy to change into good as it is to be not as good. sigh... well i do feel a lil relieved now...
chii *smiles, stumbes, falls* gao...
Friday, July 14, 2006
well this week seriously sucks. my bf is in california, im stuck alone with my gramps that hates me, we're running out of the foods i like (so what if im picky), i cant go to my job until my grams is back in several days and therefore cannot be paid, i have to clean the house and do dishes (by hand) every morning, i dont have a drivers liscense so i cant go anywhere (i live on a farm in the middle of nowhere so i cant even walk somewhere unless i walk 10 miles or more to the nearest town, which i cant do cuz of heat and asthma anyway), its way to hot to go outside, im tired of sitting on my butt all day, my head hurts from using the computer too much without my reading glasses, i need to do laundry sometime soon, i have to take a shower sometime tonight, my gramps is complaining bout the net on his computer bein slow when i use the net on this computer, i need to remember to transfer those pics from the floppy to my computer in my room (which doesnt have internet cuz my grandparents are stupid, strict, fat, and ugly - bwahahaha), my hair is short, im getting hungry, i hate summer cuz i like school, i want to go on a vacation somewhere this summer and cant go anywhere, i want to go swimming in the ocean - and cant, my cell wont upload pics for me anymore cuz its dumb, i havent seen any of my friends since summer started except my bf and another friend who i saw ONCE for a brief moment before the movie (we were in a theater) started, i want to lay down and cry, i cant because it makes my head dizzy just to lay down, im bored, and the next strip of megatokyo isnt until monday. gao. ok, i think thats about it for complaints. alot of them isnt there? and yet... somehow... i dont feel crappy as hell... at least in some ways... thats probly because my bf comes back tomorrow, my grams isnt constantly nagging me, summers half over, my cousins arent here to annoy me to death, lack of food is keeping me from constantly eating stuff thats only somewhat good for me, not going outside means not getting tan (im not one of those people that like tanning or being tan-i think it just looks weird), no job means more time for games and anime, doing the dishes by hand is makin my hands SUPER soft, since josh is in cali it doesnt really matter if im out of the house or not, sweeping and mopping around the house is keepin me off my butt, i can put off the laundry til... whenever, if i take a bubble bath instead of a shower tonight it will make me feel relaxed, gramps went outside, pics can wait, no internet on my computer in my room means no viruses, my hair will grow out eventually and looks cute enough right now, im going to go eat something when im done typing all this, if i go upstairs and rewatch chobits while i eat i will feel happy and will no longer be bored. chii. anyhoo... just wishing i could be in my future now...
sigh... when will summer end?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i know.. summers more than halfway over, but only barely. i really hate summer. i probly wouldnt hate it so much if i wasnt being isolated on the boringest farm in history or if i had a drivers license and money or if i actually got along with my grandparents or if i somehow got to go on a vacation this summer.... but no. theres nothing good about it for me. not even getting to watch anime and play games all day. games are only fun for so long when youre playing the same games by yourself over and over. as for anime... i probly wont be able to get more until december, or longer, so if i watch it all (which ill probly end up doing) then from august til then ill have to rewatch stuff. there wont be anything new. i spose... spending the whole day with my bf could be mistaken for a good thing. a correction: it is NOT!! now, instead of seeing him at school EVERYDAY, i can only see him every other day. also, when we had school, i could go to his house after school about every other day, so as a result, im spending less time with him than before. then the worst part of summer... aside from my bf, i havent seen any of my friends since summer started and havent heard from most of them. the ones i do get to talk to i dont get to talk to very often... probly only 3 or 4 times a week if im lucky. i... just wish school would start. oh yeah.... that reminds me. look forward to millard high graduation 2008... bwahahahahaha!!
if i had one wish...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Edit Post | Delete Post
if i had only one wish and it could absolutely ANYTHING, i would wish for josh to always be with me. *sigh* i got the idea from oh my goddess of course (the wish for anything part, not the actual wish.) but if ya think about it, it would be so great. if it happened while at his house, then the ultimate force would keep us from leaving holden, id spend the night, ..... well i never really thought bout after that... but itd still be fun, cuz my suteki na bf would be with me. anyhoo... that aside... OMG i love hot topic!!! some of the punk stuff there is actually sweet!! not to mention they have some anime stuffs too!! i love it!!
good morning people!!! ...... although it isnt mornin anymore!!
Friday, July 21, 2006
well i slept in til noon o clock today after talking to my bf half the night. its sooooooo depressing that i cant see him today though!! my stupid guardian wont let me see him every day and since were gonna be together all day tomorrow (and i mean from 530 or 6 in the morning to probly late at night) and since we were together on wed., i dont get to see him today and i didnt see him yesterday!! guardians SUCK! well... its also possible they caught on to stuff....heheheh. anyhoo.... i was kinda hopin hed call me by now... but no... not yet. so im guessing he had stuffs he had to do before he could call me today... at least that means i slept through most of it!!
The Saturday I Gave to You...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
ok this is about yesterday when i went to warped tour with my bf. it kinda started the night before. for certain reasons i stayed up the whole night. somewhere around 3:45 AM i got out of bed and started gettin ready. 4:50 AM i called josh he was on his way and yelling at chad to get out of the back seat (no its not what you think he put a pillow and stuff back there for me to sleep on the way to slc. we did not do stuff back there he was driving.) anyhoo... he pulls in, carries me to the van cuz i dont have shoes (i was wearin his shirt and pants and later his shoes), and then we went to his house for a few min. we ended up leaving holden at 5:30 am. no i did not sleep on the way up but chad did. we stopped in nephi and got "breakfast" which was doughnuts. it was quiet for a while then i think somwhere around provo we started doin random things. things like... taking pics of people we were passing for no reason. then we got to salt lake city. i think we asked for directions like 5 times cuz josh wouldnt let me get em off the net the night before. and cuz he didnt listen to me or chad when we told him to turn.(although we werent always right...) i swear we kept goin in so many circles. then we finally got there... and when standing in line, realized we didnt have tickets. so me and josh made the mistake of sending the other two to get em while we stood in line. line moved up almost all the way then we just stood on the side waitin for them. they finally come; we go through the security thing and have to wait even more. then we lose those two again when they ditch us cuz they see other friends and go with them. we get in a while later and almost instantly run into people givin out free stuff *ahem*con.doms and then me and josh went lookin for water. i dunno bout him but i was dehydrated.so we got some water and found some shade over by this brick wall and sat down and i drank the whole bottle almost instantly. we rested a lil before we got some ice thingys and then we sat down and ate those. then we kinda wandered around a lil. josh seemed to be having a lot of fun. i wasnt exactly happy to be there but i came just for him so whatever.we got somethin to eat, ran into some of his friends... a lil while later started lookin for chad who disappeared before we got in and who doesnt have a cell phone. after a couple hours we just headed to the car, josh had to carry me, and then chad came. we just left the other person there. then the car wouldnt start and when it did we didnt use the air conditioner so we had the windows rolled down. originally we were gonna go shoppin afterwards but i was passin out and the car problems... so we didnt. i dont really remember much from there to holden... or was it scipio? my memorys kinda fuzzy. anyhoo, stopped at josh's house. we were in his room; chad got on the computer, then after a while josh dissappeared, i went lookin for him, found him outside on the trampoline laying down. i went over by him and mostly just sulked there cuz my face was on fire from sunburn and i had a pritty bad headache. after a lil while we went in and he gave me some medicine and we went downstairs then upstairs and stuff (leave a comment or something if you want to know more bout.."stuff") and then it was like 9 when i was feelin better. so he brought me home, i changed, my family wasnt home, i called, gave my grams the story, and thats pritty much it. normally i would probably call this a really really bad day but for certain reasons it was better than most days. its like in oh my goddess when keichii says we've gone through some tough times (something like that) but i can change them all into fond memories because belldandy was with me. thats how i feel about yesterday... and any day im with josh. so people who dont believe in love can just die!!
sulking....
Friday, July 28, 2006
well its been 2 days since my grandma(aka the nazi, lord farquad) has severely limited my time with josh. since that time i have cried quite a lot, stayed up most of the night trying to drown my feelings in anime, and tried to avoid her as much as possible. thanx to the people who raised the average movie time from an hour and a half to two hours plus, i was able to extend my time to 3 hours. still, compared to spending most of the day with him every other day before, it isnt much. i still have not seen other friends all summer. most likely i will not. which means until school starts on the 17 of august, i will be spending most of my time alone. i hate being alone. for me it is the greatest pain there is, and no matter how long ive dealt with it before doesnt change how much it hurts. there is almost a month left of summer, and i will probly spend most of it sulking, crying, or angry. strangely though, i dont really feel sorry for myself... just really pissed that this happened and lonely. i feel like i lost my sparkle.... it has been replaced by smog... josh made me sparkle... loneliness made the smog...
this week....
Monday, July 31, 2006
well yesterday josh went to some thing and i wont be able to see him until tuesday or wednesday... most likely wednesday. on top of that, he took his cell but not his charger so i talked to him last night but will be lucky to talk to him today or tomorrow. aside from that, i have no plans for today. tomorrow me, my grandma, and my 7 year old cousin ashlyn are planning on going school shopping. actually, i only plan on buying certain things since i already made plans to go school chopping with josh on aother day... i cant remember what day exactly... probly wednesday. we plan on taking all day if possible when we do go. anyhoo... thursday is unplanned so far, but happens to be two weeks from the day school starts(YAY!!!)friday i have to take the test to get my learners permit.... yeah yeah i should have got it over six months ago when i was in drivers ed... so what im lazy. im goin to try to pass it in less than 10 tries.... i doubt i will... but ill try. its surprising my grandmas forcing me to take this... cuz once i get my license, she cant stop me from goin to see josh everyday... and yet, she forces me to do this... oh well. i really hate driving, but if it gets me away from here, its not too bad. .... .... .... .... .... .... ....
you people that can be with the ones you love all day, everyday.... you have no idea how much i envy you.
wednesday, august 7. 2.10 pm
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
good morning! its not really morning anymore, but good morning just the same. today i slept in til noon o clock. i had breakfast, which was actually lunch, and took a nice, long shower. i tried calling josh a few times, failed. got permission to be with him today. got on computer, he called me. then he had to go get his dad or something, and i got on skateboard. i had three messages, no forwards, one comment, and i checked the forums. now here i am, writing this blog. yesterday i went school shopping with my grandma and my cousin ashlyn, who is 7. there was a bad storm though, so we came home early. i think it was around four when we got home, but im not sure. i told josh to call me when he got back, so mostly i spent the afternoon hoping he would call. somewhere around 7 he did. around 7.30 he picked me up, and we went to the park. we didnt do much there, i was wearing a skirt so i couldnt swing like usual. when we headed home it started storming so when we got back we had to wait in the car for the rain to stop. after we finally said goodbye i went in and waited for him to call. he did, but had to go again for a while. so i watched a movie and trimmed and painted my nails (yes, there are no more monster toenails.) it felt weird, probly cuz i havent painted my nails in years. anyhoo, shortly after the movie finished he still hadnt called, so i thought about calling him. and thats when the phone rang. we talked for an hour then he was tired so i told him to get some sleep. and then last night i had some really weird dreams. like really really weird. and the beginning was pretty demented. like the movie saw kind of demented. i wasnt the one getting tortured though it was people i didnt know that probly dont even exsist that were dying in my dream. that stuff went on for a while in my dream then it started changing and josh was there and all this weird stuff started happening. candyland on crack kind of weird this time... although im kinda used to candyland on crack types of dreams its what i usually have. still... even though it was a dream, as soon as josh was there i felt relieved somehow. and i remember... some guy hit on me in the dream, and i got mad at him. then josh showed up and i told him what happened. then i think thats where i woke up. heheheh i think itd be nice to have dreams like that every night. and yes, that does include the demented parts and the candyland on crack parts. the best part was josh being there in my dream. im totally obsessed with him. always have been. always will be.
maybe...
Monday, August 07, 2006
hello, whoever reads this. im sorry if i sound a little depressed, im in pain right now. emotional pain. josh sort of ... hung up on me. and turned off his cell phone. i probly wont talk to him until tomorrow, he might sleep in later than he was supposed to, we might not get to go shopping tomorrow, there was a hailstorm today, i dont have enough money to finish my school shopping (probly not even enough to buy the underwear i need), my familys become so poor we cant pay my school fees, i feel like hell, and its the end of the world. well, since im feeling sad/hurt/depressed/lonely right now, i cant really think of anything good to say. especially about today. maybe tomorrow... lets try... okay. MAYBE i will wake up early enough. MAYBE josh will come to my house early. MAYBE we'll end up having enough money to get everything we need. MAYBE i'll find a bra that works for me. MAYBE i'll find panties and stuff that i like. MAYBE i'll find the socks i've been looking for for the last two years. MAYBE we'll be able to see a movie while we're there. MAYBE it won't storm. MAYBE we won't stop smiling all day . MAYBE my grandma will let me stay with him all day. MAYBE ....... maybe... me and josh will go for a whole day without arguin, gettin mad at each other, or makin each other sad. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it would be nice. just for once... to have a nearly perfect day. just once... is that really too much to ask? sadly.... it is too much. most of those "MAYBE"s will not happen today, and some of them wont ever happen, most especially on the same day. still... i guess it was nice to dream for a few minutes. . . . . .
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