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10 questions that have confused mankind

1.Q- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2.Q- Who was the first person to say"See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3.Q-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of conconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
4.Q-If quizzes are quzzical, what are test?
5.Q-Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
6.Q-What do you call male ballerinas?
7.Q-Does pushing the elevator buttom more than once make it arrive faster
8.Q-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9.Q-Qhy do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
10.Q-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane

 30 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

40 Things Do to At School

1. Walk into the library and ask if they carry books when they say yes say hmm I see.
2. Ask your language teacher to recite the ABCs for the class.
3. While in the lunch line ask if the Cheeseburgers have cheese on them.
4. Put underwear and your head and run through the halls screaming i am captain underpants obey me.
5. When a teacher asks you an obvious question give the wrong answer.
6. If the teacher asks if something is true or false and it's obviously true say false when she says no have your friend answer "What is False?"
7. Drop a Laptop on the ground and claim your mind powers weren't working correctly.
8. While in the lunchline claim to the person next to you that you have clean underwear on.
9. Tell the person next to you that you got so high last night that you thought you were floating.
10. Drop your pencil and when someone goes to pick it up scream "Hey that's mine"
11. If people consider you to be a nice person have an outrage with no point.
12. Proclaim you saw your least favorite teacher with your other least favorite teacher on a date.
13. Pretend to not speak english the first day you go to a new school.
14. If you having been going to your school for a while ask your teacher where the bathroom is.
15. Walk into a class that your easily passing and say my parents are so dissapointed in me for having a B+ Ms. Hull I just don't what to do and begin to fake cry.
16. In the lunch line take forever to choose your food.
17. Drive to school in the crappiest car ever and claim that it is your pimp car.
18. If your teacher asks you to get something from the office ask her if she wants fries or a drink with that.
19. Deliberately answer a science question with a math answer i.e. Which atom has a positive charge? 5!
20. If you white claim that you sound very black if you are black claim that you sound very white. 21. Tell every that you are from the future and that school is evil and must be destroyed.
22. Tell every that you are a pscho and you see the future.
23. Tell the person next to you that they smell very pretty, like garbage.
24. Ask your teacher for your own phone number so that you can call home to get your homework.
25. Ask your teacher if you can burn your books one day to show the effects of fire.
26. For all you inliners out there wear a Senate shirt to class and ask your Civics teacher for extra credit becuase you are supporting the US government.
27. When paying for your lunch if the lunch lady asks for 3 dollars give her 3 dimes.
28. When the announcements come on scream "AH the voices leave me alone leave me alone"
29. In the middle of Class stand up put your arms out straight and say "I am the waling dead must leave school" like a zombie and walk out of class.
30. Ask the teacher for her phone number.
31. Walk in late and proclaim that you are sorry but you had a very important meeting with the voices.
32. Pretend your a deaf the whole day.
33. Scream every time you speak.
34. Walk in the mornig screaming i saw it i saw it it's huge round pink and fluffy.
35. Take a random person and proclaim to the school that they are your new best friend.
36. When they take attendance say not here.
37. Proclaim that the printer or copier is your best friend.
38. Make photocopies of your butt and stick em on the walls.
39. Tell everyone that you have lice and scratch your head next to them.
40. Do all in one day.

44 Things to do at a movie theatre

1. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
2. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
3. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
3. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma.
4. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
5. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
6. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
7. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
8. Yell out what is going to happen.
9. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
10. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
11. Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
12. Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
13. Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.
14. Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
15. Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
16. Run out of the theater screaming, "Oh my goodness, I forgot, Webster is on now!"
17. Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
18. Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
19. Try to start a wave.
20. Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
21. Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
22. Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
23. Sing with the theme music.
24. Whenever a fat guy comes in the movie, stand up and do the truffle shuffle. Include the sound effects.
25. At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
26. Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
27. Ask your neighbor if Mr. T. is in the movie, and ask often.
28. Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
29. Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
30. Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
31. Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
32. Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
33. When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
34. Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
35. Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
36. Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
37. Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
38. Do the running man every time a rap song is played.
39. Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
40. Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
41. Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
42. Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin`, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."
43. When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"
44. Stand up in front of the projector and yell "Hey where is the movie"

 50 fun things to do at Wal-Mart

 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," 
and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. 
See if they play along.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 
"Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there 
say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows 
from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
Section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
Various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
Something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
The food courts, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
Much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS*
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much youcan make.

 50 Fun Things To Do During An Exam
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."

50 fun things to do in an elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or
off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents
of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just
shut UP!'
4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small
World' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the
natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the
elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner,
facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain
to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when
they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper:
'Noogie patrol coming!'
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a
warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulants!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and
demand that it stay open until you hear the penny
you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the
bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a
while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from
the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter
in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then
sigh and say 'oops!'
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it
looks infected.
24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while
continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator
descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head'
on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce, 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the
far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm...tasty!'
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push
the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other
passengers 'through' it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and
ask 'is that your beeper?'
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the
red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a
stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk
and announce to the other passengers that this is
your 'personal space.'
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another
passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long
strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a
more suitable host body.'
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a
button.
48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at
other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's
getting larger.'
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and
holler 'Bad touch!'

51 ways to piss every1 off

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23) Change what you repeat again.
24) Speak in rapid Spanish.
25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27) Change what you repeat again.
28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31) Pretend to be drunk.
32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33) Change what you repeat again.
34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37) Change what you repeat again.
38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40) Pretend to be high.
41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42) Change what you repeat again.
43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44) Speak in Gaelic.
45) Blink rapidly and constantly.
46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47) Strut.
48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

75 Ways to Order Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.  

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
75. Order a steamed pizza.

9 things I hate about everyone

1.) People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2.) People who are willing to get off their ass and search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3.) When people say “oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too!” damn right!! What good is cake if you can’t eat it!?
4.) When people say “it’s always the last place you look” of coarse it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Where are they? I’m going to kick their ass!
5.) When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” no loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor!
6.) People who ask “can I ask you a question?” didn’t give me a choice, did you sunshine?
7.) When something is ‘new and improved’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If its improved, then there must have been something before it.
8.) When people say “life is short” what the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9.) When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “has the bus come yet?” if the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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I awoke with a start one night to find that my left sock was missing. I hadn’t the faintest idea where it had gotten to because I could have sworn it was on my foot when I went to bed. I looked around the room and was oblivious to the pair of red eyes watching me as I looked for my sock. I looked in my closet and all I found was a pair of underwear and a sign saying ‘Look out for the spider!’ I’m not entirely sure why that’s there because I’m afraid of spiders and even the thought of one makes me shiver. But I shrugged it off and carried on my search. Finally I came across another sock that didn’t even match my plain white one. This one had a red stripe on it and had holes in it. Knowing that I’d look silly wearing only one sock I slipped that one on anyway and walked out the door.

To my horror there was a giant spider in the hallway. Seeing this spider made me remember the sign from 2 minutes ago. Oh well, I thought. The giant spider lunged at me but I rolled under it. It turned around and it shot a line of web at me but with my ninja reflexes I jumped over the line. That made the spider angry and it ran toward me but slipped on a Christmas catalog. Thank you Saint Nick. Taking that opportunity I jumped up onto the spiders butt and punched it right in it’s smug little face. To be totally honest that didn’t do anything but piss it off. It rolled over and stood back up. This time I was in trouble so I ran into my room and grabbed my knife and stabbed the spider right in the head. After realizing that it had just been stabbed in the head, turned to me and said, “What the hell! I was only playing. You didn’t have to stab me in my head!” It then ran out the window crying.

“What an odd way to start the day.” I thought.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth when I noticed that I wasn’t holding a tube of toothpaste but instead holding a tube of tiny snakes. So I threw that in the toilet and got out a new tube but that to had snakes. This could only be the work of one person. The evil witch Zorath. All of a sudden the room went dark and with a flash of light and a bang Zorath appeared in my shower. In a quick, lightning fast jab I turned the hot water on and watched as she melted away in my shower.

“Now that that’s done with.” I said, “I can brush my teeth.”

“Not so fast!” said a voice.

“What!” I said.

“Not so fast!” said the voice again. “You think that mere water can kill the almighty Zorath?”

“Damnit, I thought this was done with.” I said.

“Not quite.” said Zorath.

“Ok, come on out and kill me.” I said.

The door to the shower opened and there standing in a puddle of water was Zorath. She took only one step, which happened to be right on the soap, and fell right on her spine and died.

“Hmm…well looks like it pays to drop the soap.” I said.

With those last words I brushed my teeth, snake free, and went to school. Little did I know that this wasn’t the end of this weird day.

When I got to school I noticed that the building was an odd shade of green.

“What an odd shade of green.” I thought to myself and walked to the door.

Once inside I knew that today wasn’t over. All the people were actually quiet. Not a single person was talking. Well that’s not true, their lips were moving but no sound came out. Then I realized that I had my headphones still in my ears, I took them out and all the sound returned. But the sound was different. Everyone sounded like farm animals. I turned around and there was a kid listening to the sounds of farm animals on his stereo. I gave him a weird look and he turned it off.

“Sorry.” He said

“Whatever.” I replied and walked off.

I saw Christine sitting alone drinking a drink and went over to her and sat down.

“Hey, what’s up?” I said.

“Nothing, what’s up with you?” she said.

“A lot, today has been pretty weird lately.”

“Really, How so?”

“Well, I got attacked by a spider and a witch in less then 10 minutes and the school is green.”

“Wow, that’s pretty weird.”

“Yup, so I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out sometime. Maybe Friday?” I asked.

“No way! You’re a psycho and no one likes you!” she said and dumped her drink on my head.

“Get a life creep!” she said and walked away.

“Geez it was just a question, don‘t have to freak out or anything.” I said to myself and got up.

The first bell rang and I went to my class. This was when the weirdness really started. I walked in and my teacher was dressed like a Martian.

“Mrs. Wilson? Why are you dressed like that?” I asked.

“Because, young earth child, the great Lord Hangman from Nebula Delta in the Random Galaxy is coming and I must be ready for the transport to his ship.”

“Um…ok.” I said and sat down.

The class seemed to go by extremely slow today. Literally, the clock’s second hand ticked once every 5 seconds. So I threw a paper ball at it and it ticked normally. The bell finally rang and I shot off to my next class which was weird because I’ve never shot off to a class in my life. I get to my class and my friend Cam was standing on his head. Two things were really weird about this.

1. I’m always the first out of the two of us to get to second period even when I walk and

2. Cam was standing on his head. I didn’t know he could do that.

The next thing I know is I’m sitting in my seat. I don’t even remember walking into class. I turn around to ask Justeen if she knew what was going on but she was asleep. Nothing that weird there, she’s fallen asleep in class before. So I poked her with a stick until I got bored and did something else. Then out of nowhere a hamster falls out of thin air onto my desk. It stands up and announces to me that his name is Todd and that he is, in fact, a hamster. Then just as suddenly as he appeared, he vanished. In fact it was the exact same way he appeared only in reverse. This is what he said.

“.retsmah a ma I dna ddoT si eman ym ,olleH” then he crouched down onto all fours and did a backflip into the ceiling. That was the funniest thing I saw that day and ran out of the room laughing while Mr. Rigby was rambling on about toenails and vitamins. I ran down the hall laughing and all of a sudden I tripped and got knocked out.

I woke up two hours later in the doctors office and the first thing I noticed was a hamster running in a little ball on the ground stopping every 5 seconds to count to 10.

“Todd?” I asked. The little hamster looked up at me and said, “My name is Bill, Todd is my brother though.”

“Oh…ok.” I said.

“Can I help you with anything?” asked Bill.

“Well let’s see, first off this has been one bizarre day and I’m getting a little sick of it.” I said, “I got attacked by a spider at 6:30 am, watched a witch die in my shower after turning my toothpaste into tiny shakes, the school is green, Christine thinks I’m a psycho, my English teacher is crazy, I’m talking to a hamster and now I’m in the doctors office and I don‘t remember how I got here! I don’t know, can you help!?”

“Well, no I can’t but I can say that it’s almost over.”

“Thank god.” I said, “I don’t think I can take anymore of this.”

Then all of a sudden the door opened and Bill went running out. The doctor, a real doctor, walked in and gave me my test results.

“I have brain cancer!? And I’m pregnant!? This seriously can’t be right.” I said.

“Oh oops, sorry, wrong file. Here this is yours.” He said and handed me my folder.

“I’m missing my mind and a loft sock. Yup that sounds about right.” I said.

“Here, take this clock and climb to the highest mountain and sing The Alphabet till the coo-coo bird pops out.” he said.

“Right and you’re a real doctor?” I asked.

“No…but I stayed at a Holiday Inn once.” he said and walked out the door with a smile on his face.

I went back to school and everyone was asking if I was ok but I didn’t tell them. All that was on my mind was where is my left sock? Then out of the corner of my eye I saw it, my left sock. It was running down the hallway being chased by a turkey sandwich. I ran straight for the sock and sandwich. I finally cornered the sandwich after it had eaten my sock. Thankfully the laws of everything obeyed the rules this time and I opened up the sandwich to find my sock in between the lettuce and turkey. I slipped it back on and went home.

That night I couldn’t help notice that my left sock had two red dots on it that looked a little like eyes, but I was to tired to care and went to sleep to have a freakier dream then what had happened that day.

::Soon to be a movie::

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1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

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