My Dad: *drives into a curb* S-HIT! Oh, sorry girls, I shouldn't have used that language.
- 10 seconds later -
My Dad: *drives into another curb* F-UCK!

My Grandpa: *petting his cat* Tiki's going to die soon.
My Gramma: ..I hope she dies outside.

My sister: Hey, that's the guy that hit on me the other day!
Woman: ..that's my husband.

My Dad: This looks like Hai's room.
*my sister walks in*
My sister: Hey, this looks like a prostitute's room.

Me: If I were a guy, we'd be doing it right now.
Naomi: I don't like short guys.
Me: You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me.

Fat Motorcyclist: f*ck! Get a move on!
My sister: Dad, that guy behind us is freaking out.
My Dad: I don't care, a man that fat should be walking anyways.

*while my mom is driving me and my dad, both drunk, home from the bar*
My Dad: Look out hunny! A beer caught in headlights!
My Mom: ...do you mean deer? Mike, that's a trash can.

*while we're watching The Little Mermaid*
My Mom: Hey, this looks familiar...I'm King Tritan and Hailey is Ariel.
Me: Yeah, because you consider yourself a reasonable merman.
My Dad: And you and King Tritan both have big nipples.
*later my mom re-enters the room*
My Dad: *bows* Your Nippleness.

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Published by cementbetty: 5:04 PM
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