Dearest Friends and Family,
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your e-mails over the past 12 months.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes, cause I
now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 138,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer own a car; I sold it when I found that there will always
be someone leaving notes on it or waiting in the back seat to kill me.
Oil Companies will lower their prices if we all boycott gasoline for
a day so I don't have to worry anymore.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, your phone will ring at exactly 11:00 PM (EDT), alerting
you of a large dove with diarrhea that will land on your head
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician who is a lawyer working at a Police Station somewhere.
